Obsession or Focus?

As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) I tend to get focused on things.  My loved one says I get obsessed about things.  In fact I get so focused that someone could come up to me an startle me.  I usually give out a sudden high pitched sound and jump up.  That sounds kind of crazy.  They always apologize for it but it's really not their fault.  As kids, my brother would do this to me to see me jump.  There was an amount of shame and guilt associated with this.  For years, I did not understand what was going on.  Now, I would like to describe what this concentrating is like and what I do to help my situational awareness.

I've learned to accept that being focused is part of being a HSP or an empath.  I think it's natural for us to think intently on a subject or item that's in front of us and analyze it or read it.  In such a mode, I seem to naturally shut off all other distractions.  It takes someone coming up to me, sometimes closely to break the concentration.  Other times it takes someone talking rather loudly to break the concentration.  Something else is curious about this.  I tend to concentrate on something for a long time.  Several minutes can pass before I break the concentration myself.  The concept of time warps for me in these instances.

One thing I try to do when I concentrate like that is to take a look around every once in a while.  A problem with this is that the concept of time is warped for me.  So I may look around a couple of times a minute or not look around for several minutes.  That's not very consistent.  So, someone could and do still startle me.  Yeah, it's still a problem I'm dealing with.  At least people just shrug it off, especially when I say it's OK after I literally jump out of my concentration.  Sometimes the other person gets scared and I have to assure them.  It may sound comical, but it's really not for me or the other person.

Well, I gave a short description what this concentration is and what I try to do to minimize it's effects.  Living with this all my life can be traumatizing.  A bully can pick up on this situation and have their way with the HSP.  This is pretty much involuntary for me.

Thinking Through Conflicts

I react to people who push my buttons.  I suppose everyone does.  It's hard in such situations. If you've been there, then you know.  When you react to these things, you do what your pre-set 'programming' says to do.  You vigorously defend yourself.  Then afterwords you feel bad about it when you look over the astonished faces of those around you and you have to deal with the aftermath.  It comes as a surprise to you and to them.  How do you deal with this situation could dictate what your relationship to these people will be.  I recommend excusing yourself and getting away to think it over for a couple of hours.  When you do this you will go through many emotions and plausible plans and outcomes.  Let me give you some advice on how to successfully go through this with minimal damage and maybe come out in a positive light.

After getting away and start to think about what happened, you going to go through some shock and anger.  Your imaginings may shock you because your going to think of extremely extreme things to do that may not be totally legal if at all.  When I go through this, this phase always shocks me and I feel embarrassed of the thoughts.  I think its OK to go through this phase as long as you get to the next phase.  I feel that this phase is the hardest because the strongest emotions are coming out.  These emotion seem to be reactionary emotion.  They do have meaning and should not totally be dismissed, but they shouldn't be acted upon.  The point is that you have been hurt.

To get to the next phase, which is an intermediary phase, you have to tell yourself that your hurt and now it's OK, that your safe.  Then you have to tell yourself that there's a better way to deal with the situation.  Next come the thoughts that evaluate your current situation in a broader aspect.  You start identifying the different people involved and those who could get involved.  You start to think of things to tell the authority whether it's your boss, parent, or even police.  In this phase it's good to seek advice from a trusted friend.  This allows you to express what is going on in your life and helps you think through this phase.  You will come up with ways that may be drastic though legal to retaliate and get revenge or even protection.  If you think through these ideas you will find that they will hurt relationships.  Those relationships include the one with the offender (the person who's pushing your buttons), and your relationship with the authority, and your piers or friends.  In the past I have not moved on from this phase and acted on the thoughts and ended relationships drastically.  It is much much better to say NO to these thoughts and move on to the next phase.  The point here is that your identifying all the direct and indirect players and their positions.

This third phase is a rational phase.  This is where your going to come up with your best ideas.  To get here you need to tell yourself that you really don't want to hurt anyone.  Realize that strife begets strife, that is, if you hurt someone chances are they are going to hurt someone and maybe you.  No, hurting is not the answer.  Empaths and highly sensitive people (HSP) generally don't want to hurt people, but rather prefer healing.  The thoughts in this phase may come as some form of communication which can be verbal and/or non-verbal.  You may choose to tell the person who hurt you to stop hurting you.  You have to gauge this though.  You can use words directly, or you can use body language.  That is, you can walk away or disregard the person when you see they are about to push your buttons.  You also can avoid the person for a time, and later find a way to heal the relationship communicating that you were hurt.  What your doing is a form of punishment on the person.  Everyone has authority on their own person.  You choose who you have a relationship with and who you don't want a relationship with and what kind of relationship that is.  I'm not necessarily talking about love, because love involves a mutual agreement to love each other.  This is more of interpersonal relationship.  Whatever you choose you want to choose a thought that first hurts the least amount of people, and hopefully no one at all.  Second, you want that thought to have some benefit to yourself and the other parties.  Then relationships are strengthened and respect is also strengthened.  The point is to find a win-win situation.

Yes, it's hard when people push your buttons.  It's even a sign that your being bullied.  Taking the necessary steps to think through what your going to do and taking time to think through is important.  Getting to the good thought where relationships are strengthened is preferred.  At first you may feel like the perpetrator, but you have to concede that your also a victim.  If your good thought does not work, then you have your other thoughts in the second phase that should work, but relationships won't be helped.  I think when these things happen they give us an opportunity to grow and become stronger and wiser.  Your wounds will heal through this process.  Some wounds though never heal and you carry them with you all your life, but thinking these actions through can minimize those.  This is a serene subject to write about and think about.  Let's not the hurt build up to some grievous action.  Let's mend the broken hearts.

Communicating Space To Avoid Anger

Highly Sensitive Persons (HSP) need space or alone time.  Most all HSP psychologists and coaches agree on this such as Dr Judith Orloff.  Then they also have a hard time with putting someone out for fear of being misunderstood.  It's also not in their nature to put someone out either.  As a result, they do not assert their need of space among their friends and family, and consequently suffer.  As a HSP myself, I would like to share what I go through when I don't communicate the need, and would like to share how it's possible to make the need known agreeably.

Many, many years ago, I became quite religious.  I had a guy who followed me in religious studies.  I felt he followed me too closely and I really felt confined, even claustrophobic.  Then, I had no idea I was a HSP or empath, nor what it meant.  The friendship ended abruptly with me confronting him with anger and frustration.  I always regretted that.  Throughout my life I have experienced many emotional verbal fights and a lot of them can be attributed to my feeling confined.  I really had no idea how to handle the situation.

Unfortunately it took me just recently to find out first hand how to handle the situation.  I had to do this with another friend.  You see, when I feel confined like this I want to get out so bad.  I just want to escape.  I cornered a geko once in a corner and it reacted very forcefully opening its mouth wide and taking a fighting stance.  I also cornered a horse and the resulting behavior was much the same.  It's no different with us.  The way to let people know how you feel is to take them aside.  Explain that you need space and time alone.  Explain that it's not because of them and that you value the friendship/relationship.  They might be taken by surprise, but they will most lightly agree to your terms. The reason is that it doesn't affect them.  Most people are motivated on the selfish level.  That's awful to say, I know, but when you think about it it's true.  Keeping their self esteem intact will usually allow them to agree.

If you doing what I have done and causing strife in your relationships because you feel confined, stop.  Taking the time and courage to share with them your need should do wonders.  Once you do this your anger and frustration will dissipate.  I believe that HSPs are better off fostering strong relationships.

Highly Sensitive President

History is full of characters.  Most are serious 'A' types, some are funny, some are sad, but all are extraordinary.  From its very beginning, the United States has been an environment where every type of extraordinary people can make their mark.  Lincoln was said to be a failure at everything except his Presidency, but this is not about Lincoln.  If you think about the different personality types in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) how many of those types make a mark in history?  Julius Ceasar, Napoleon, Henry VIII, General Patton, George Washington, and Lenin are all strong political figures who we think of having good judgement, rely on their thinking, and have good handle on their five senses.  Could a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) have a political role as powerful as President of the United States?  Well there may have already been a Highly Sensitive President.  I was watching a documentary by Ken Burns on Thomas Jefferson.  Though the people commenting on the documentary were historians, they gave me the impression that Jefferson was indeed a HSP.

The documentary right at the start states that Jefferson was a controversial figure.  He wrote about liberty for all men, even made several bills on emancipation, but did not free his own slaves.  Thus the historians see him as a dichotomy and cannot quite make out what he was, whether a hypocrite or something else entirely.  In trying to explain the problem, the historians go into Jefferson's persona. Jefferson is described as a poor speaker and as soft spoken individual.  He was also brilliant in being a diplomat, an engineer, a farmer, and an architect.  He squandered the first year of college getting caught up in the atmosphere, but after that he studied 15 hours a day.  He wrote without notes.  He traveled with a chess set and a violin, no ipods, tablets, or ipads in that day, let alone phones.  If you wanted music you had to make it yourself.  As a consequence, he suffered when he was away from his family cause he heard nothing from them.  His wife at the time was in great distress cause her child died.  He was quoted as stating, "Every human being must be viewed according for what it is good for, for none of us, no not one, is perfect.  And were we to love none who had imperfections, this world would be a desert for our love."  He also wrote the Declaration of the United States of America which states that all men are created equal.  All these little fact point to some of the empath's or HSP's traits such as loyalty, deep feeling, focused, absorbing environments, and wishing goodness for all men.

In the documentary there were two statements made that affirmed my suspicions on Jefferson.  The first said, "Jefferson was an incredibly sensitive man, thin skinned, vulnerable, fragile in character.  ...His greatest desire was harmony and to be loved, and couldn't stand not to be loved."  This statement alone showed me that the historians in the documentary who studied Thomas Jefferson were giving an accurate account on his personality in that he was indeed highly sensitive.  The second statement said, "This was the real Thomas Jefferson, a man who loved deeply, who felt deeply."  To me, this seals it, he was highly sensitive.  The only way historians can judge a historical figure is by what they did and what they wrote.  Jefferson was a brilliant writer.

On the basis of this documentary I believe that Thomas Jefferson, the third President of the United States was indeed a Highly Sensitive Person.  The controversy about him and why he didn't do according to how he wrote, I believe, could possibly be found if we understood him as a sensitive.  Modern Psychology is not unanimous about the affirmation of HSPs.  How then could we expect historians to understand this?  Perhaps someone would be crafty enough to make a Myers-Briggs test or some other personality test for historical figures and we could understand them a little better and why they made the choices they did.  Understanding personality types would be a great benefit to humanity.  As for Thomas Jefferson as an HSP, I think to judge him with our modern lens is a mistake.  We cannot change what he did or didn't do, it's history.  I believe we now have a little more insight in this historical figure on who's words men are becoming free even today.

Think You Might Be An Empath?

If you wonder if your an empath there are no lack of websites and advise on how to tell.  Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is a term that has a presence on the internet.  It's a psychological term for empath.  There now are several psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, and coaches who cater to HSPs.  Many have tests from psychologists or esoteric teachers.  These tests can give a sense of disappointment if you prove not to be an empath or HSP.  If you wonder if your and empath, you're really on a quest to understand yourself.  To seek to understanding your strengths and weaknesses is a noble quest.  Every type of person is important, and everyone should understand how they can contribute to their themselves, their loved ones, their community, and their society better.  I will give a couple of ways that would seem less bias and a more generally beneficial a way.

The personality test I recommend is the Briggs-Meyer test.  You can find many free online Briggs-Meyer tests just by googling.  The result of the test is four letters that describe you, or your preferences.  You can read up on it in the link I provided.  When you do take the test, I recommend to take it 3 times to get some consistency.  You may not be familiar with the language of the test so that would skew the results.  Taking it more than once is a good idea, with the idea that the last time you take it is the best result.  Also, taking more than one test online might be a good way to go as well.  Now there are 16 distinct results from the test.  You are only one of them.  Where do HSPs fall into?  They fall into the results that have NF in them.  There are 4 of those: INFJ, INFP, ENFJ, ENFP.  Now just because you have NF in your result may not mean that you are indeed an HSP.  I'm not a researcher on this, so I have to allow for this possibility.  With any result from the test, it's a good idea to read up on it via Wikipedia and other sources.  Always check out the sources mentioned in Wikipedia because academically Wikipedia is not a valid source in and of itself.  If you do have NF in your result, then you may want to check out the other empath and HSP tests that are strictly geared for HSPs.  This test lets you know of your preferences on how you operate and relate to things and people in your world.  Understanding these can help resolve long standing problems you may have encountered in communicating with other people.

The bad news about HSPs and empaths is that they have a disability.  That disability is that they sense too much.  So much so that they will be involuntarily affected by peoples emotions and/or pain.  This disability will show itself in everday happenings.  Evaluating and acknowledging the happenings that go on around you and affect you can confirm if your an empath/HSP or not.  Mind you it seems that through meditation, a normal person can become clairsentient and feel as well as empaths, but it doesn't mean they are empaths/HSPs.  Personally, I'm affected by people's emotion.  Strong emotion from another person will cause me to act in kind.  I take on their emotional state and imitate it without thinking.  Which is why I have made arguing matches into shouting matches, been overly sad by a sad event, and able to reflect emotion to a person.  Of course if you find out you are an empath/HSP, then you have a lot of work to do.  They need time to train themselves how to operate in a emotional and painful world.  Over time, they can turn the disability into one or more abilities.

[UPDATE]
I've been reading Emotional Freedom by Judith Orloff.  It's a great book for all people.  It has self evaluation tests and helps you determine emotional problems and preferences.  I highly recommend it, especially if you want to evaluate yourself.  Dr Judith Orloff is Psychiatrist and an empath herself.

To take an empath or HSP test is not enough to find out who you are.  Taking the Briggs-Meyer personality test and evaluating your behavior in daily stimuli can give you a bigger picture of who you are and whether you are an empath/HSP.  Either way knowing yourself is important for your self development and the betterment of the world.  The Ancient Greek maxim "Know Thyself" comes to mind when I think of how to better myself.  We are a mystery most of all to ourselves.