What Is Bullying?

The recent Taft School shooting in California highlights that victims of bullying not only suicide but can kill others as well.  Bullying is a term that's thrown around a lot these days.  Everyone knows what it is, or do we?  We have all been called names, criticized, mocked, laughed at, and so on.  So we think we know what it is.  Most of us have gone through it as children, some go through it all their lives.  There are peoples who have a history of being victims of bullying.  There has been institutionalized bullying.  There are some laws against bullying for some groups of people.  This may sound surprising, but in essence bullying is a message.  That message says, "You are not important."  Let me explain in the following paragraphs.

In childhood, bullying is prevalent.  It usually goes something like this.  One person has a desire to become important among his friends and succeeds.  Someone challenges that person, and consequently they fear not being important.  So, they call the challenger names and ostracize him from the group.  then they proceed to ostracize anyone who looks or acts like the challenger.  They never stop ostracizing.  The ostracized person will develop deep anger and resentment.  At a later time they may act on that anger.  That's a generalized understanding of bullying.

Bullying is not restricted to children.  Adults bully other adults and children.  Employers bully employees.  Those with authority bully those under their charge.  Parents bully children.  Bullying is prevalent throughout society.  It is unfortunately also tolerated.

Institutionalized bullying is bullying in the extreme.  Slavery allows for all kinds of abuse from theft, to torture, to rape, to murder.  The Third Reich ostracized the Jews in the mid 1930's and 1940's.  They ostracized them to the point of genocide.  The Jim Crow laws led to legal ostracization as they promoted segregation.  In these examples people lost their property, dignity, and their lives.  The victims were considered no good for society.

There has been legal consequences to bullying.  One example is when the United States declared its independence from Great Britain.  The Declaration of Independence lists a number of bullying acts committed by Britain on the people of the U.S.  The Civil Rights Act of 1964 abolished the Jim Crow laws in the U.S.  This was the beginning of freedom for the African Americans.  Racism is still a problem, but it is diminishing over time.  We also have American Disabilities Act that established civil right to the physically impaired.  They were ostracized in the workplace and in movement since many buildings didn't accommodate for wheelchairs.  There are other laws as well.  These came about because people were being bullied for being different.  There are now laws against cyberbullying since 2007 in some areas in the U.S.  So far as I know, its the first type of anti-bullying law that applies to everybody.

 What is to be done?  I think stopping bullying starts with yourself.  You must recognize that you are important, regardless of what others say.  You are important to your friends and family.  You are important to people you say 'hi' to every day.  You are important to the shopkeeper when you buy something.  You are important to society at large.  Without you, society is lessened.  Next you need to recognize that other people are important to you.  Those you love and those you don't know are important to you.  Society is important to you.  Your children are important to you.  Next you need to talk to people like they are important to you.  Use respectful words, listen to others, refrain from judging or criticizing, and learn to disagree in an agreeable way.  Guess what?  Its hard.  Its hard to change.  Its also brave.  You will be a better person when you do.  You will get respect once you give it.  There will always be critics.  Count on it.  Teach your children to do the same.  Tell your children how important they are to you.  Victims of bullies and bullies themselves need psychological help.

Bullying is a hideous aspect of humanity.  It does not build character.  It tears down and breaks people.  It was the cause of some of the most hateful times in history.  Violence cause violence.  Bullying is violent even when its just verbal.  Its personal, and its very personal.  Its little wonder that Jesus said to love your enemies (Matthew 5:43).  Bullying was a problem back in the first century too.  I'm a highly sensitive person, why am I concerned with this?  I am concerned with all humanity.  The better everyone feels the better it is for me.  Is that selfish? Yes it is, and I don't apologize for it.  Guess what?  Unless you look after yourself, you cannot look after others.  Looking after others is in effect looking after yourself.

Thinking Through Conflicts

I react to people who push my buttons.  I suppose everyone does.  It's hard in such situations. If you've been there, then you know.  When you react to these things, you do what your pre-set 'programming' says to do.  You vigorously defend yourself.  Then afterwords you feel bad about it when you look over the astonished faces of those around you and you have to deal with the aftermath.  It comes as a surprise to you and to them.  How do you deal with this situation could dictate what your relationship to these people will be.  I recommend excusing yourself and getting away to think it over for a couple of hours.  When you do this you will go through many emotions and plausible plans and outcomes.  Let me give you some advice on how to successfully go through this with minimal damage and maybe come out in a positive light.

After getting away and start to think about what happened, you going to go through some shock and anger.  Your imaginings may shock you because your going to think of extremely extreme things to do that may not be totally legal if at all.  When I go through this, this phase always shocks me and I feel embarrassed of the thoughts.  I think its OK to go through this phase as long as you get to the next phase.  I feel that this phase is the hardest because the strongest emotions are coming out.  These emotion seem to be reactionary emotion.  They do have meaning and should not totally be dismissed, but they shouldn't be acted upon.  The point is that you have been hurt.

To get to the next phase, which is an intermediary phase, you have to tell yourself that your hurt and now it's OK, that your safe.  Then you have to tell yourself that there's a better way to deal with the situation.  Next come the thoughts that evaluate your current situation in a broader aspect.  You start identifying the different people involved and those who could get involved.  You start to think of things to tell the authority whether it's your boss, parent, or even police.  In this phase it's good to seek advice from a trusted friend.  This allows you to express what is going on in your life and helps you think through this phase.  You will come up with ways that may be drastic though legal to retaliate and get revenge or even protection.  If you think through these ideas you will find that they will hurt relationships.  Those relationships include the one with the offender (the person who's pushing your buttons), and your relationship with the authority, and your piers or friends.  In the past I have not moved on from this phase and acted on the thoughts and ended relationships drastically.  It is much much better to say NO to these thoughts and move on to the next phase.  The point here is that your identifying all the direct and indirect players and their positions.

This third phase is a rational phase.  This is where your going to come up with your best ideas.  To get here you need to tell yourself that you really don't want to hurt anyone.  Realize that strife begets strife, that is, if you hurt someone chances are they are going to hurt someone and maybe you.  No, hurting is not the answer.  Empaths and highly sensitive people (HSP) generally don't want to hurt people, but rather prefer healing.  The thoughts in this phase may come as some form of communication which can be verbal and/or non-verbal.  You may choose to tell the person who hurt you to stop hurting you.  You have to gauge this though.  You can use words directly, or you can use body language.  That is, you can walk away or disregard the person when you see they are about to push your buttons.  You also can avoid the person for a time, and later find a way to heal the relationship communicating that you were hurt.  What your doing is a form of punishment on the person.  Everyone has authority on their own person.  You choose who you have a relationship with and who you don't want a relationship with and what kind of relationship that is.  I'm not necessarily talking about love, because love involves a mutual agreement to love each other.  This is more of interpersonal relationship.  Whatever you choose you want to choose a thought that first hurts the least amount of people, and hopefully no one at all.  Second, you want that thought to have some benefit to yourself and the other parties.  Then relationships are strengthened and respect is also strengthened.  The point is to find a win-win situation.

Yes, it's hard when people push your buttons.  It's even a sign that your being bullied.  Taking the necessary steps to think through what your going to do and taking time to think through is important.  Getting to the good thought where relationships are strengthened is preferred.  At first you may feel like the perpetrator, but you have to concede that your also a victim.  If your good thought does not work, then you have your other thoughts in the second phase that should work, but relationships won't be helped.  I think when these things happen they give us an opportunity to grow and become stronger and wiser.  Your wounds will heal through this process.  Some wounds though never heal and you carry them with you all your life, but thinking these actions through can minimize those.  This is a serene subject to write about and think about.  Let's not the hurt build up to some grievous action.  Let's mend the broken hearts.

Communicating Space To Avoid Anger

Highly Sensitive Persons (HSP) need space or alone time.  Most all HSP psychologists and coaches agree on this such as Dr Judith Orloff.  Then they also have a hard time with putting someone out for fear of being misunderstood.  It's also not in their nature to put someone out either.  As a result, they do not assert their need of space among their friends and family, and consequently suffer.  As a HSP myself, I would like to share what I go through when I don't communicate the need, and would like to share how it's possible to make the need known agreeably.

Many, many years ago, I became quite religious.  I had a guy who followed me in religious studies.  I felt he followed me too closely and I really felt confined, even claustrophobic.  Then, I had no idea I was a HSP or empath, nor what it meant.  The friendship ended abruptly with me confronting him with anger and frustration.  I always regretted that.  Throughout my life I have experienced many emotional verbal fights and a lot of them can be attributed to my feeling confined.  I really had no idea how to handle the situation.

Unfortunately it took me just recently to find out first hand how to handle the situation.  I had to do this with another friend.  You see, when I feel confined like this I want to get out so bad.  I just want to escape.  I cornered a geko once in a corner and it reacted very forcefully opening its mouth wide and taking a fighting stance.  I also cornered a horse and the resulting behavior was much the same.  It's no different with us.  The way to let people know how you feel is to take them aside.  Explain that you need space and time alone.  Explain that it's not because of them and that you value the friendship/relationship.  They might be taken by surprise, but they will most lightly agree to your terms. The reason is that it doesn't affect them.  Most people are motivated on the selfish level.  That's awful to say, I know, but when you think about it it's true.  Keeping their self esteem intact will usually allow them to agree.

If you doing what I have done and causing strife in your relationships because you feel confined, stop.  Taking the time and courage to share with them your need should do wonders.  Once you do this your anger and frustration will dissipate.  I believe that HSPs are better off fostering strong relationships.

The Things I See

This life is hard.  I'm sure I'll get much agreement with that.  As an empath, I pick up on a lot people do.  Sometimes I just want to sit back and watch people in their self destructive ways.  I'm not talking about drinking or doing drugs.  I'm talking about attitudes, mannerisms, and practices.

I see a lot of people drive fast into a traffic jam in the daytime.  I really don't understand the sense in that, except that they may be trying to release tension.  Well that is sure a dangerous way to do it. 

I see teachers ripping students to shreds while giving them a decent grade.  I don't think those teachers realize how counter productive that is to students.  They could rather encourage the needed skills instead of just discouraging what students have done right or wrong.

I see doctors unwilling to say 'I can't do anything for you' but resort to condescending speeches.  That just makes me mad, and it shows how immature some of the doctors can be.  These need to get some good lessons on how to communicate with patients.

I see officers getting a too gun ho on people.  I see thieves doing stupid stuff and getting caught.  People are cheating on their spouses and partners.  Politicians feign surprise when they are caught in the lies they weave.  It's one thing after another.

We do things to ourselves and create habits that hurt us in the end.  Sometimes it's comical but most of the time it's pathetic.  We're really just a silly people.

Insensitivity

Insensitivity is rampant in our society.  We tolerate narcissists and bullies.  We develop some bad learned behaviors as a result.  Pushing, screaming, shouting and other behavior stem from anger.  The anger is because we feel we're not listened to.  These learned behaviors we pass on to our children as they grow, and they in turn pass them on to their children.  We tend to be inconsiderate of peoples' feelings, desires, and needs.  We are led to believe that we have free reign over anyone who says yes to our smallest request.  There are three ways you can counter the insensitivity in yourself once you realize you need to.  The three ways are meditation, listen to people, and considering their situation.

Daily meditation helps stop the bad behavior.  Simple basic meditation is all that is needed to calm and quieten your mind.  Once the mind is quiet, then teaching it new things can begin. You can tell yourself what is OK and what is not OK.  For instance, you can tell yourself that it's OK to feel anger, but it's not OK to take anger out on someone.  In this way you can calm your nerves as well, and refocus.  If you have too much energy, push it out of yourself as you meditate.  Let the world at large absorb it.

Listening to people is key for healing.  When your talking to someone, do not only listen with your ears, but with your eyes, and feelings as well.  Take in the verbal and the non-verbal communication.  What is his/her face like, what are his/her hands doing, and what story is his/her body motion telling?  If your a sensitive or empath, read what their feelings are.  Take the whole person in.  It's important to not respond with anger.  You can have strong energy, but be mindful of how the other person reacts to it.  Above all, learn to acknowledge what they are saying with nods and saying the occasional 'yes'.  You might want to repeat what they are saying to you so you both know you have the message clear.

Consider the situation of the person your talking to.  I mean, see it from their point of view.  Then tell them what your seeing.  They may brighten up and appreciate that you indeed understand them.  Once you do this then usually something magical happens.  They start to listen to you.  You get to share your point of view, whether you agree or disagree with theirs.

Using meditation, listening, and empathy can help turn around those bad behaviors.  You can become a great communicator.  If someones verbal, non-verbal, and emotional communication do not agree, do not trust what they are saying.  When people are honest all their communication ways agree.  This is about retraining yourself after being affected by the narcissists and bullies.  You can only make yourself better.

How Does An Empath (HSP) Refrain From Anger

I found this question as a search in my Scribd.com account.  Someone asked it, and I am attempting to respond to it.  Anger is a key emotion.  There are many walking the Earth that have anger, deep anger.  For the  empath that can be devastating.  There is also personal anger that is brought on my some perceive injustice.  To help, I am letting you know of some techniques that you can try to relieve anger.  Many of these techniques will work for all emotions.
 
There are several techniques.  Each technique has its place.

Let us start with an easy one.  Say your walking on the Earth and you get around people who are angry at the world.  It's easy to pick this anger up and make it your own.  The technique here is to just let it go.  Let the anger go and don't hold on to it.  Let it pass through you like a river passing through a garden.  You don't have to hold on to an emotion to understand it.  You can just understand as it flows.  If you want to help these people, listening to them is the best way.  They need to talk things out.

Which leads us to a technique that is a little more proactive.  When you've been with someone for a time, their anger and emotions tend to stay with you.  What you can do is to push these emotions out.  You need to get away from everyone (about 50 feet) and work on breathing.  With every exhale you push the anger and emotion out.  With every inhale, you take in the emotion from the Earth and/or the Sky (or Heavens).  Actually, I like to inhale love directly from the Creator, but it takes a little practice to reach the Creator in the first place.

Another technique is a basic one for all empaths and HSPs, to ground or to center.  What you do is that every so often you get away from everyone (again about 50 ft) and be calm and get in touch with your own emotions (credit Elise Lebeau's Empath Survival Program).  This helps you to distinguish your emotions from other people's emotions.  Serenity is the key here.  If you do this periodically, you remember what its like and you don't get out of control anger as a habit.

What happens when the anger is yours?  When you have been wronged?

The first thing to try is to resolve the anger by understanding the nature of the act.  This may involve talking with the offender directly.  This is rarely successful since acts are usually deliberate.  This may help if the act was an accident.  If and when you do try this, do some grounding or centering first.  This will give the technique more of a chance.

So what do you do when the injustice against you was deliberate and even done in a selfish act by the offender?  Ideally forgiveness is the best, but its not always possible.  To forgive someone is to acknowledge the act and hold no ill will on the offender.  Often it's easier to forgive if the offender is regretful.  They are not always regretful.  Of course forgiveness as a technique is in religion.  Some religions put pressure on saying that bad things will happen to you if you don't forgive.  I say working to the point of forgiveness is just as good.

If you cannot forgive, get away.  Get away from the offender as far as possible.  Distrust them.  Don't communicate with them.  This is obviously self defensive in nature.  You do have to protect yourself.  Some people will stay in the situation.  I don't recommend that.  The sooner you get away from the situation the better and the sooner you can heal.  This may sound selfish, but you cannot help others if your hurt.  You will only get angrier and angrier if your around the offender.

To go further, there is a technique that is called chord cutting.  This techniques severs the emotional connection you have with the offender.  What you do is you imagine the connection with the offender as a chord or rope or rubber tube.  I like the rubber tube.  Stretch the chord and keep stretching, keep on stretching, until the chord breaks.  Then sit quietly without thinking and feel the peace.  This gives a sense of security and freedom from the power of the offender.

There is another type of anger I like to talk about.  It's the anger that comes because you seem to not get anywhere, or you don't make the advances you want to make.  For this type you need to make sure you don't have any road blocks.  By that I mean you remove anything that can get in the way of your goals.  Then you get into a meditative state and feel yourself pushing toward your goal.  Do this several times and you should see yourself going in the right direction.  This should relieve the anger.

Well, I covered several techniques to help deal with anger.  I will caution you against seeking revenge.  Revenge serves little purpose other than selfish ones, and causes more damage and possibly escalation of a conflict.  Above all you should seek to follow the Golden Rule: treat others as you want to be treated.  This will avoid much anger in the first place.